Humility: Finding a Balance Between Self-Contempt and Self-Love

[John92]

This is really a hard thing for me, cultivating humility.  After all it was pride that was the sin of Satan, and pride which led our first parents to do what they did, and therefore it seems like, above all else, we humans tend to be proud.  This egregious sin, which we are so drawn to, is more condemned than any other by Our Lord Jesus Christ, by His apostles, and by the Holy Spirit in the Old Testament.  Humility is the greatest virtue and, therefore, we should really work on it above all else (provided that we don't have any serious habitual mortal sins to battle with, in which case we should focus our attention on them and try not to worry too much about small prideful inclinations which pop up in our day-to-day life).

Pride is so hated by God and humility so loved that some of the Church Fathers believed that perfect humility in and of itself was sufficient for salvation - not that this view is true but it does show you how important humility was to the early Christians.

It's such a dang hard thing to practice though so I'm looking for some advice:

I've gone through periods of severe self-contempt, even suicidal self-contempt.  But this is not real humility.  Rather, when I'm in one of these phases, I'm obsessed with myself: not with my successes but with my failures.  I become totally self-absorbed and lose the will to do good works.  I even, at times, become angry with God for not (as my deluded thinking will go) "giving me enough Grace" - even though God gives us all sufficient Grace for salvation and it is only by our willful rejection of this gift that we harm our immortal souls.  Yet more my self-contempt will lead to another sort of pride, a bitter pride: I feel jealous and envious of other people's joy, including the joy of holy people, and think to myself "I might be a piece of shit but at least I know I am!  I'm so much better than those happy people!  The fools!"

Clearly self-contempt, at least that sort of self-contempt, is not a good place to be.

But then, when I'm not in the phase of self-contempt, I get wrapped up in the more normal form of Pride.  I remember my successes and forget my many failures.  I puff myself up and think things like "I'm basically a good person, I'm so happy I'm the way I am!"  I tend to become complacent and lazy in my spirituality because I think I'm "doing a good enough job".  I'll unwittingly, even if I fight it, feel better than other people in various situations and think mean thoughts about them (ex: in Latin class thinking 'gosh how could these people be any dumber!').

So that isn't a good place to be either.

How do I strike a balance?  What is true humility?  How do I have contempt of self, desire to be chastised, love criticism, without falling into self-absorbed Acedia, and how can I avoid Acedia without falling into a disgusting proud disposition of another sort?

Thanks.

[Benno]

This is the kind of thing I used to hate hearing when I was young, and I have no idea of your age, but I think the kind of stuff you're writing about really is partly just a "working out where you fit in" kind of thing. I remember spiritual directors telling me that spiritual highs and lows come and go but eventually you get to a point where a kind of "simple faith" almost becomes second-nature and is more like a fairly constant little flickering flame even when you're struggling. When I heard old priests telling me that when I was younger, I thought it was a bit of a sell-out - as if they were just saying it because they'd lost a lot of the spiritual vitality they had when they were younger. And yes, I'm sure some of them peddled it out because they'd all but lost it, but knew it was "what to say". But now that I'm a bit older I see the truth in it. Part of how this "simple faith" thing happens I think is just through time and experience - you come to realize that there are always going to be ups and downs, some of your making, some not, and some just withdrawals of God's company for the good of your own growth. You get to know your frailty and see that grace works in its own funny way, so long as you're striving to be faithful and good. This is why a lot of old people who have done lots of bad things along with the good in their lives are often stronger and more constant in their faith than young people, no matter how "spiritually gifted" or whatever the young person is. An old lady who's had the faith all her life while she went through all sorts of ups and downs and trials and deaths and disappointments will be a lot harder to shake in her faith than a young person who's just had an intimate spiritual experience of some kind, and she'll be thinking less about finding a balance between humility and self-contempt than she'll be thinking about how to arrange the flowers around the altar and what she needs to buy at the supermarket tomorrow. I think Augustine rated "perseverence" as the greatest gift of all.

[John92]

This is the kind of thing I used to hate hearing when I was young, and I have no idea of your age, but I think the kind of stuff you're writing about really is partly just a "working out where you fit in" kind of thing. I remember spiritual directors telling me that spiritual highs and lows come and go but eventually you get to a point where a kind of "simple faith" almost becomes second-nature and is more like a fairly constant little flickering flame even when you're struggling. When I heard old priests telling me that when I was younger, I thought it was a bit of a sell-out - as if they were just saying it because they'd lost a lot of the spiritual vitality they had when they were younger. And yes, I'm sure some of them peddled it out because they'd all but lost it, but knew it was "what to say". But now that I'm a bit older I see the truth in it. Part of how this "simple faith" thing happens I think is just through time and experience - you come to realize that there are always going to be ups and downs, some of your making, some not, and some just withdrawals of God's company for the good of your own growth. You get to know your frailty and see that grace works in its own funny way, so long as you're striving to be faithful and good. This is why a lot of old people who have done lots of bad things along with the good in their lives are often stronger and more constant in their faith than young people, no matter how "spiritually gifted" or whatever the young person is. An old lady who's had the faith all her life while she went through all sorts of ups and downs and trials and deaths and disappointments will be a lot harder to shake in her faith than a young person who's just had an intimate spiritual experience of some kind, and she'll be thinking less about finding a balance between humility and self-contempt than she'll be thinking about how to arrange the flowers around the altar and what she needs to buy at the supermarket tomorrow. I think Augustine rated "perseverence" as the greatest gift of all.

Thanks for the post, +1

[StrictCatholicGirl]

Great post, Benno. You got the older folks pretty well pegged!   

John, the older you get and the deeper your relationship with God, there comes a certain "resting in the Lord." I describe it as a "mellowing out" without losing the fire. As Benno said: "it's a constant little flickering flame even when you're struggling." That is so true! Spiritual vitality, zeal, righteous anger, working out your salvation with fear and trembling, etc, doesn't end with youth, but there is a shift in energy. And I have to say that the closer you move toward death and the judgment seat, there comes a shift in your priorities too.

So with experience you become more confident in who you are in relationship to God. There comes a certain acceptance. You realize your potential AND your limitations. You realize that God moves in ways more mysterious than you ever imagined. You realize you don't have the answer to everything (*gasp*). With it comes humility, but without the self-contempt. 

But we know our goal is to keep moving forward and keep improving, improving, improving until we draw that last breath. So we ask God to continue transforming us into the person God envisioned us to be when He knitted us in the wombs of our mothers. God viewed us as potential saints, while knowing we were sinners. When we realize how much God loves us, and how all good gifts come from Him, this is no room for self-contempt or self-praise.

- Lisa

[John92]

Great post, Benno. You got the older folks pretty well pegged!   

John, the older you get and the deeper your relationship with God, there comes a certain "resting in the Lord." I describe it as a "mellowing out" without losing the fire. As Benno said: "it's a constant little flickering flame even when you're struggling." That is so true! Spiritual vitality, zeal, righteous anger, working out your salvation with fear and trembling, etc, doesn't end with youth, but there is a shift in energy. And I have to say that the closer you move toward death and the judgment seat, there comes a shift in your priorities too.

So with experience you become more confident in who you are in relationship to God. There comes a certain acceptance. You realize your potential AND your limitations. You realize that God moves in ways more mysterious than you ever imagined. You realize you don't have the answer to everything (*gasp*). With it comes humility, but without the self-contempt. 

But we know our goal is to keep moving forward and keep improving, improving, improving until we draw that last breath. So we ask God to continue transforming us into the person God envisioned us to be when He knitted us in the wombs of our mothers. God viewed us as potential saints, while knowing we were sinners. When we realize how much God loves us, and how all good gifts come from Him, this is no room for self-contempt or self-praise.

- Lisa

Yeah that's a beautiful thing.  I've always looked forward to being old, even when I was a little kid I felt like I yearned to be elderly . . . it definitely seems like there's a mellowing in the best sense.  It's almost like God makes things "easier" for us, in some ways, in preparation for our deaths.  Older people generally have always struck me as much more accepting of their situations, their strengths and weaknesses - true humility - and also seem to have a sort of natural prudence and moderation that's much harder to cultivate when you're a whippersnapper like me.

One thing that I've found that's helped with humility is directly tied to this, though it's hard to get into the frame of mind sometimes . . . it's just to accept ourselves and not to "strive" for humility or actively battle our pride.  When we just focus on what we're doing and what others are doing and thinking we develop a humble attitude without trying, while if we go out of our way to do "humble things" we just fall into a really bad sort of pride - pride in being "humble".

[StrictCatholicGirl]

One thing that I've found that's helped with humility is directly tied to this, though it's hard to get into the frame of mind sometimes . . . it's just to accept ourselves and not to "strive" for humility or actively battle our pride.  When we just focus on what we're doing and what others are doing and thinking we develop a humble attitude without trying, while if we go out of our way to do "humble things" we just fall into a really bad sort of pride - pride in being "humble".

Yes, that’s a false piety. Lots of folks, young and old, fall into that. I think the best advice is to try not to focus too much on yourself but keep your focus always on Christ. St. John the Baptist said it best: “I must decrease, so that He will increase.” Keep seeking it, and the Lord will help you.

This “decreasing” does not result in self-loathing. For as we decrease we are not left empty, but it is Christ who fills up all of our parts. We are temples of the Holy Spirit and the fruits of the spirit are humility, joy, peace, charity, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and temperance.

When you sin, acknowledge it and repent and confess, then pick yourself up and dust yourself off and go on with a firm resolve. That's what God wants you to do. Focusing on our sins is also a sort of "pride." It is saying that my sin is greater than God's grace, and it strangles our spiritual growth. 
 
Now as for old people, they are also mellower because, by and large, they fall less and less into mortal sin. It’s one of the perks of aging. Grace, as well as nature, has a way of settling us down. lol

- Lisa

[Benno]

It's also worth remembering that you can only do God's will from where you're at and with what you are (while remembering that prayer will often help where you're at and what you are!) So a younger person does have different issues to deal with when trying to do God's will - things haven't settled into a pattern so much, and temptations of some kinds are stronger. Also, real firm faith in the sacraments of confession and the Eucharist can be like rocks to hold on to, especially if you have a healthy appreciation of how you can't "over use" either sacrament - they are always springs of grace that, out of all the sacraments, we can go to whenever we like. Christ left them to us as sources of real food, healing and comfort that He'd love us to use as much as we like.

[John92]

It's also worth remembering that you can only do God's will from where you're at and with what you are (while remembering that prayer will often help where you're at and what you are!) So a younger person does have different issues to deal with when trying to do God's will - things haven't settled into a pattern so much, and temptations of some kinds are stronger. Also, real firm faith in the sacraments of confession and the Eucharist can be like rocks to hold on to, especially if you have a healthy appreciation of how you can't "over use" either sacrament - they are always springs of grace that, out of all the sacraments, we can go to whenever we like. Christ left them to us as sources of real food, healing and comfort that He'd love us to use as much as we like.

Yeah for sure.

In terms of the "just don't think about it and humility follows", the only problem with that approach for me is that prideful thoughts still do pop up . . . far too frequently really.  But I guess, would it be alright to just sort of accept that at my age pride is just part of the package, and then try to ignore the prideful thoughts and what-not as much as possible?  Sort of like some people have serious problems with lust, but they can just learn to ignore the thoughts - acknowledge they're there but not consciously seek them.

[iggyting]

Many good points are given in this forum.

We are all on a spiritual journey. We have the Lord's promise that for those who seek , will find Him, eventually. One old wise priest says that each of us can write a 5th gospel at life's end. I think he is right! Dying to pride and to self, gaining virtues, increasing our faith, hope and charity, require a lifelong spiritual development. We are reminded in Jn 12, 24 that unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it would not bear much fruits. We can't nick pride by our willfulness - that itself is spiritual pride!. What is helpful in our spiritual journey is to be aware of our own spiritual development, the pitfalls and the uplifts. You will notice that our spiritual development (from the purgative way, to the illuminative way, to the contemplative way) coincides roughly with that of our human development (from youth to middle age to old age). In this respect, I would recommend reading the spiritual greats in the Catholic tradition - for example, "The Three Ages of the Interior Life"by Fr Garrigou-Lagrange, the writings of St John of the Cross, of St Teresa of Avila, and many more.

rgds, iggy

[StrictCatholicGirl]

I love this thread..

[Benno]

Me too! John, I really strongly back up iggyting's suggestion to read that garrigou lagrange book/s. He's brilliant at bringing a lot of what can often be airy fairy stuff down to practical, essential terms, and he's equally a Thomist and an expert on spirituality. He gives a great sort of a roadmap you can use. I think your suggestion about simply accepting that your habitual (for now) thoughts etc are just "part of the package" for you right now and needn't be agonized over. Don't know about ignoring them exactly but don't let them worry you too much.

[John92]

I love this thread..

Me too!  You guys have been very helpful and comforting

Me too! John, I really strongly back up iggyting's suggestion to read that garrigou lagrange book/s. He's brilliant at bringing a lot of what can often be airy fairy stuff down to practical, essential terms, and he's equally a Thomist and an expert on spirituality. He gives a great sort of a roadmap you can use. I think your suggestion about simply accepting that your habitual (for now) thoughts etc are just "part of the package" for you right now and needn't be agonized over. Don't know about ignoring them exactly but don't let them worry you too much.

I'll definitely acquire it.

I dunno, I don't really think that I'm extraordinarily prideful for someone my age, I guess.  When I fall into a proud disposition without trying, and try to avoid it but involuntarily find that disposition there, it helps me to imagine God as my loving Father, and I'm like a kid who's doing some little annoying thing . . . he's not going to hate me for it or damn me, I hope at least, since I don't mean to be proud and try to avoid the pride when it rears its head.

Also seconded on confession, I don't think there are many things you can do that are more humbling than to list orally every bad, detestable thing you've done in a certain period of time.  Not to mention the grace and forgiveness of the sacrament itself!  And communion as well . . . the most minute piece of the Body and Blood of Christ is worth more than all the riches of the world, more glorious than anything in heaven but for God himself, and to think that he's made that available to all of us *every single day* is just . . . it leaves me speechless.

Really goes to show how much God loves us!

[savienu]

Thanks for this thread! Humility is a big struggle for me, as well, as far as tangibly knowing what that is and what it means for how you live your life. I also don't have the benefit of knowing mellow older people. Most of the older/aging people I know are just bitter and trying to avoid the subject of death at all costs, and none of them have a strong faith. But anyway, OP, I relate to your post a lot.

[Gerard]

It's also worth remembering that you can only do God's will from where you're at and with what you are (while remembering that prayer will often help where you're at and what you are!) So a younger person does have different issues to deal with when trying to do God's will - things haven't settled into a pattern so much, and temptations of some kinds are stronger. Also, real firm faith in the sacraments of confession and the Eucharist can be like rocks to hold on to, especially if you have a healthy appreciation of how you can't "over use" either sacrament - they are always springs of grace that, out of all the sacraments, we can go to whenever we like. Christ left them to us as sources of real food, healing and comfort that He'd love us to use as much as we like.

Yeah for sure.

In terms of the "just don't think about it and humility follows", the only problem with that approach for me is that prideful thoughts still do pop up . . . far too frequently really.  But I guess, would it be alright to just sort of accept that at my age pride is just part of the package, and then try to ignore the prideful thoughts and what-not as much as possible?  Sort of like some people have serious problems with lust, but they can just learn to ignore the thoughts - acknowledge they're there but not consciously seek them.

This may be something that helps you.   I noticed two things about it, one pragmatic and one from experience.  You are asking God to free you from fear and desire of things, not the things themselves. God may still call any of us to do what the world may consider "great" things or work in the "little way" but in either case we neither fear it nor desire it but accept what God asks of us.  The prayer asks Him to make us flexible so we  can be shaped by Him and we won't break or even resist that molding.

The second thing comes from experience.  Start saying this prayer and if it is really addressing a problem you have,  you may get an uptick in the level of demonic activity going against you.  This is of course a good thing and you have recourse to your Guardian Angel or any of Our Lord's protections for us.  St. John Vianney used to view demonic activity as a good sign that he was "about to reel in a big fish," in terms of a conversion of a soul. 

Also, one more thing, think about what this prayer asks, the more you fear it, the more you need what it requests.



Litany of Humility

Cardinal Merry del Val

He was accustomed to recite this prayer daily after the celebration of Holy Mass.

O Jesus meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver, me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver, me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus grant me the grace to desire it.
That in the opinion of the world, others may increase, and I may decrease,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I become as holy as I should,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

[Tinuviel]

Thank you for this thread. My spiritual/emotional life has been difficult for a while, and I really appreciate the advice here. John, I'm also glad to know I'm not the only one!