The Snake Theory : Military Humor

[Texican]

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't
find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.  (he, he...  tastes like chicken! )

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.

yes, some of us have way too much time on our hands, sometimes...   

[BrevisVir55]

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.  (he, he...  tastes like chicken! )

LMAO My MSG at school was a Ranger and he would have done that. Such a badass AND he was Mormon...

[Beatissima Mariae]

That's just awesome.    They are all great, but "3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes." was a true LOL. Very nice.

26. NSA Third Ecehelon Splinter Cell: Sneaks up behind snake and puts in submission hold while interrogating snake. Once intel secured from snake, knocks snake out cold and heads for extraction point.

Sorry, I'm a Splinter Cell whore, had to add that one. 

[Fractus]

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

And then,

... Marine public affairs produces video showing Marines in movement to contact, footage of an enormously ferocious snake creature, death of said snake, followed by dramatic shots of chiseled Marine facial features - all overlayed with an inspirational musical score.

Gotta love 'em!

[Texican]

That's just awesome.    They are all great, but "3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes." was a true LOL. Very nice.

26. NSA Third Ecehelon Splinter Cell: Sneaks up behind snake and puts in submission hold while interrogating snake. Once intel secured from snake, knocks snake out cold and heads for extraction point.

Sorry, I'm a Splinter Cell whore, had to add that one. 

While using a SPIE rig, no doubt - gotta look kewl while extracting!

[Texican]

And then,

... Marine public affairs produces video showing Marines in movement to contact, footage of an enormously ferocious snake creature, death of said snake, followed by dramatic shots of chiseled Marine facial features - all overlayed with an inspirational musical score.

Gotta love 'em!

While in dress blues.

[Fractus]

[/quote]

While in dress blues.
[/quote]

 

[Arun]

highyl entertainging. +1

[Texican]

    You might be a little TOO Hooah if...

    (from Special Operations.Com)

       1. Your kids call the sandbox "NTC".
       2. Your wife has mermites in the China Cabinet.
       3. Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry".
       4. When your wife left you, you had a Change of Command.
       5. Your wife carries a buttpack instead of a Gucci purse.
       6. Your kids would rather get SIMNET than Nintendo 64.
       7. When your family gets together, you call them "Slice Elements".
       8. You butter your toast with a bayonet.
       9. If your kids get a wrong answer in school they immediately drop and knock out 20.
      10. Your personal license plate says "At Ease".
      11. All of your kids' names begin with "AR".
      12. Your grandmother won the Week of the Eagles.
      13. Your POV has your name stenciled on the windshield.
      14. Anyone using the TV remote control must dispatch it first.
      15. Your kids are hand receipt holders.
      16. Your kids practice Drill and Ceremony at recess.
      17. Your dog's name is "Ranger".
      18. Your kids pull night guard shifts by the mailbox.
      19. Your wife has a better high and tight than your commander.
      20. Your kids sound off with "Airborne" or "Air Assault" every time their left foot hits the ground.
      21. Your wife won't buy anything unless it has a National Stock Number.
      22. Your kids have to wax and buff the floor before going to school.
      23. When your dog died, he got a 21-gun salute at Arlington.
      24. Your kids call their teachers "REMFs" and the other kids at school "legs."
      25. Your daughter's dolls wear starched uniforms.
      26. Your daughter complained that her new Barbie's hair wasn't within regulation and then cut it.
      27. If your kids fail a test, they get a Letter of Reprimand and an Article 15.
      28. Your kids salute their grandparents.
      29. Your kids get an LES with their allowance.
      30. All your meals at home are MREs.
      31. Your kids painted their Big Wheels camouflage and stuck bumper numbers on them.
      32. All your household possessions were issued by CIF.
      33. Your kids get sent to the "big house" at Leavenworth if they're disrespectful.
      34. Your kids complain if they can't have gym class five days a week.
      35. Everyone does six pullups before sitting down at the dinner table.

[Texican]

How to Simulate Being in the Navy

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

1a. Submarines - Black outside Pea Green inside

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shit cans and butt kits!"

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one
19 a. Show the same movie every night.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!"

21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Midrats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire..

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. [For bird farm (aircraft carrier) sailors.]

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.

36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.