Hilarious! From Wittenburg Door:
By Steven J. Rolfes
Issue #205, May/June 2006
Historians have long puzzled over the secrets of the nearly mythic organization, Prior de Dogbone, a secret society that predates even the Illuminati. The Prior has had—reportedly—numerous masters in its shadowy past, most famously the famed artist Cassius Marcellus Coolidge (1844?-1934).
Art historians have long marveled at the arcane symbols said to be hidden in Coolidge's painting, glyphs said to point to whispered revelations of Prior de Dogbone and—it is said—to the worship of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
With the help of a consortium of researchers, scholars, archeologists, Seventh Day Adventists, art historians, and Jack Van Impe, a new study of Coolidge's work will be published in the August issue of Christianity Today.
The first painting to be examined by the experts is Coolidge's masterly Looks Like Four of a Kind.
In this iconic work, we see a masterly representation of the Last Supper, with Christ (on the left) sitting conveying His wisdom to His followers. We see Judas to His right, with the bag of silver coins at his pawside. In the background, we see Mary Magdalene entering carrying the tray with the sacramental drinks, to cleanse the feet of Jesus and quench the spiritual thirst of the Apostles. Notice the shocked and unbelieving look on the faces of the Apostles—all save for Judas who already knows the fate of his master. Bad Judas—bad! Bad!
But the surprises continue, for in the painting, A Bold Bluff we see almost the exact same scene, but with some very significant changes.
In this painting, Mary Magdalene is no longer present, thus the feminine aspect of spirituality has been vanquished. In the first painting, she is coming from an alcove covered by a green (the symbol of fertility) curtain. In this painting, she is gone but the fertility curtain is now open, revealing books. Obviously, this is a homage to Gnostic rather than spiritual wisdom. The look on the Apostles' faces is now one of doubt. The light, illumination from heaven, in the first painting was dome-shaped, a symbol of God the Father and His gift of grace. But in this painting, the light is now triangular, in truth a pyramid. Thus it is now the work of man, not God, which is casting its wisdom to the participants below.
But, most significantly, the pipe, a symbol of authority, that was in Christ's hand, er, paw, has been replaced by a cigar. The pipe remains with Judas, though.
Most riveting is the painting A Friend in Need, which follows the series to denote the sadness of the later moments of the Last Supper. Now the light from heaven has become red, signifying danger and warning. Note how it is now a combination of both round and pyramidical, faceted to show how human wisdom and weakness has supplanted faith in God, for Peter, in his moment of fear, shall deny his Master. Most prominent in the background is the grandfather clock, not seen in any of the previous paintings, denoting the fact that time is almost completed for Christ's earthly ministry. The Judas dog, the pipe-smoking Great Dane with the bag of thirty silver coins, is no longer present. He has gone to the high priests to bite the hand of his Master. The Gifts of the Spirit signified with the Ace are now being shared between the remaining Apostles, an action that will reach its fulfillment at Pentecost.
There can be little doubt that this seminal painting, Pinched with Four Aces, is Coolidge's masterly representation of the arrest of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. The light above is round, that is, once again spiritual. But now this illumination is red rather than green. The warning of the previous painting has not been regarded, and now the danger has reached fulfillment. This is to signify Christ's words that this is the hour of triumph of evil, i.e. the light is coming from hell, not heaven. The boxer in the foreground is growling, ready to fight. But he is not looking at the temple guards coming to arrest his master, but at another unseen adversary. This, obviously, once again is Peter about to grab the sword and perform a little impromptu surgery on Malchus's ear. Note that one dog, the one closest to the viewer, is sulking away, trying not to be noticed. Here we see the mysterious personage from Mark's gospel who ran away without a cloak (Mark 14:51). This is emphasized by the fact that this is the only dog at the table who is not wearing a collar!
What then is the meaning of all of this? What hidden truth is being pointed to in the strange paintings of master artist Coolidge? What strange secret was being concealed by the arcane Prior de Dogbone? Was Coolidge, the great master of this hidden group, telling the world the secret, giving the darkness light? Like Edgar Allan Poe, did he conceal the prize by placing it right out in the open for all to see, first on cigar ads, today in black velvet?
The ultimate truth is obvious for anyone who will take the time to examine the spiritual meanings hidden in his paintings. With a careful and thorough reading and analysis of the secret meanings concealed in these great works of art, there can be absolutely no doubt that, as surprising as it seems, Oral Roberts is a bassett hound.
However, a minority report, penned by Van Impe, asserts that the meaning of Coolidge's work ultimately indicates that Condi Rice is actually a woodchuck and that the world is coming to an end soon.