Teenagers and dating

[CanadianCatholic]

Im terrified my children will be like either me or my husband. He was a drug addicted criminal, i was just a drug addicted skank...and I was raised bible thumping Catholic.
I just pray...and pray and pray! I think having good teenagers starts now.  I just have to do my best, and if I truly feel God is guiding my decisions, i cant go too wrong...I hope. My cousin (in his late 40's, with 12 kids) Tells me that you kinda have to grit your teeth, shut your mouth, and pray from about 16-17 to 24, and hope you did your best! Hes right though...no amount of lecturing and grounding makes much of a difference at that age. Just pray pray pray!

[Iolanthe]

Reverse the genders of the people in this story and it's pretty much a summary of my adolescence. Except that I wasn't allowed to watch EWTN or the Cartoon Network.

So how did that work out?  Did it work?  Did you rebel and go all wild?  That's what some people I know did...

No, I never even wanted to go wild. That's what really gets me even now because I always cared about being good and was still watched like a hawk and treated like I was about to rush off to some degenerate lifestyle. So for me, "rebelling" meant fighting for the right to do normal, good things. I went behind my dad's back to hang out with other traditional catholics who cared about morals and decency. He actually told me when I was sixteen (after reading my diary and a very PG-rated account of a crush I had on a boy) that he "didn't want me talking to boys." Of course I knew this was crazy but as a teenager stuck at home there was only so much I could do. Then there was a guy who asked me out when I was around nineteen or so and I got treated to a lengthy lecture about "courtship" and how cars are an occassion of sin, etc. I was so over it by then I lost interest in the guy. I had a very parental-approved two-year relationship after that, but he and my dad got along a little too well, which made me very nervous, so it ended. 

Now I'm on my own and do what I want so it doesn't matter so much, but I think parents do have to be careful to let their kids and teenagers have a normal social life and not try to stifle them or give them weird ideas about the opposite sex. It's hard enough for men and women to understand and relate to each other without keeping them separate from each other until they're ready to marry--as though anyone could be ready to marry under those circumstances! The healthiest and happiest marriages I've seen among trads have been the ones that had those most normal and non-scrupulous attitude toward dating.

[amasimp]

Ways to keep your son from dating:
1)  Let him like video games.
2)  Send him to an all-guys high school (Jesuit, preferably)
3)  Send him to a small engineering college in the middle of no-where.  Or the Crossroads of America (which is STILL the middle of no-where).  

That seems to have worked out so far. 
 

But, as to a SERIOUS response (serious?  I know!  FE's gone to the dogs....)

Things I would recommend, as a 22 year old dude.
First, be sure to give them space, but don't let them swim free.  Teenagers will need space, and they want it.  And it's nice.  Think about it like a zoo animal.  You can't just toss it into the wild, and neither can you just leave it in the cage (as much as you'd LIKE to leave it in the cage.... you can't.  Unless you can afford to pay for them for the rest of their lives.  And buy them a spouse.  But I don't think many of us here can.  If so...  and it is a she...  PM me.  ^_^  haha!)

Second, pray for them to discern their vocation (has anyone else mentioned this?  :-p).  Keep an active role in their life, but don't press on them too much. 

Third, I dunno.  Guess?  *shrugs* 

Hope that helps some.

Sounds like University of Missouri at Rolla. 

[the4thlamb]

For those who have raised teenagers or have teens now, how did you handle dating? What were your rules, expectations, etc. I'm now raising two teenage boys that have started dating (no pointing and laughing from the peanut gallery) and I've shocked even myself by dusting off the word "chaperone". I'm winging it. I'm raising them with a completely different set of values and rules from anyone else I've ever known and anyone else they've ever known. I'm a little bit out of my element here, but I suppose that's normal. Any advice or commiseration?

Hi, I'm new here and still trying to figure out how this works. Hopefully, you'll receive this thread for what its worth   First, I have to say, I love the penguin smack... too cute. It reminds me of my boys.

Good question.  I have a 22 yr old and a 15 yr. old.  My advice to you is be consistent in everything, particularly in this area. Establish the boundaries while young so as not to be alarmed or surprised when others are prematurely dating. Truth always above anything else. Teens need and deserve to know the truth about dating, love, God's plan for marriage etc....God will provide the wisdom and strength you only need to seek it and cooperate with His grace. No parental permissiveness allowed... it is not okay. I don't mean in a bossy-possessive-aggressive or oppressive way; I mean with love and truth with consequences understood. Boys grow to be men who become husbands and fathers.  When we love and respect enough to raise the bar for them you will see they can reach it.  
 
My house rule is no dating until after grad from high school, Sunday Mass is a must and to pray and discern diligently for your vocation whether it be God's Will to marry and raise a family or raise many families in the holy priesthood..  My younger son doesn't even question this and my older son has had two amazingly devout Catholic girlfriends, who are now "just friends".  Continue to raise them in the church as I'm sure you are, close to the sacraments and consecrated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and Immac Heart of Mary and of course, the Pillar of families St. Joseph, husband of Mary-- a must!  It helps a great deal to have friends that are on the same page raising your sons. Perhaps within your parish community. If not, seek advice from a trusted father, male friend or spiritual advisor.  

Or,  lock 'em up in the cellar 'til they're 35. ;)

  :monstrance:Yours in prayer,

[ResiduumRevertetur]

For those who have raised teenagers or have teens now, how did you handle dating? What were your rules, expectations, etc. I'm now raising two teenage boys that have started dating (no pointing and laughing from the peanut gallery) and I've shocked even myself by dusting off the word "chaperone". I'm winging it. I'm raising them with a completely different set of values and rules from anyone else I've ever known and anyone else they've ever known. I'm a little bit out of my element here, but I suppose that's normal. Any advice or commiseration?

Hi, I'm new here and still trying to figure out how this works. Hopefully, you'll receive this thread for what its worth   First, I have to say, I love the penguin smack... too cute. It reminds me of my boys.

Good question.  I have a 22 yr old and a 15 yr. old.  My advice to you is be consistent in everything, particularly in this area. Establish the boundaries while young so as not to be alarmed or surprised when others are prematurely dating. Truth always above anything else. Teens need and deserve to know the truth about dating, love, God's plan for marriage etc....God will provide the wisdom and strength you only need to seek it and cooperate with His grace. No parental permissiveness allowed... it is not okay. I don't mean in a bossy-possessive-aggressive or oppressive way; I mean with love and truth with consequences understood. Boys grow to be men who become husbands and fathers.  When we love and respect enough to raise the bar for them you will see they can reach it.  
 
My house rule is no dating until after grad from high school, Sunday Mass is a must and to pray and discern diligently for your vocation whether it be God's Will to marry and raise a family or raise many families in the holy priesthood..  My younger son doesn't even question this and my older son has had two amazingly devout Catholic girlfriends, who are now "just friends".  Continue to raise them in the church as I'm sure you are, close to the sacraments and consecrated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and Immac Heart of Mary and of course, the Pillar of families St. Joseph, husband of Mary-- a must!  It helps a great deal to have friends that are on the same page raising your sons. Perhaps within your parish community. If not, seek advice from a trusted father, male friend or spiritual advisor.  

Or,  lock 'em up in the cellar 'til they're 35. ;)

  :monstrance:Yours in prayer,

Great advice! Thank you.

[CollegeCatholic]

Ways to keep your son from dating:
1)  Let him like video games.
2)  Send him to an all-guys high school (Jesuit, preferably)
3)  Send him to a small engineering college in the middle of no-where.  Or the Crossroads of America (which is STILL the middle of no-where).  

That seems to have worked out so far. 
 

But, as to a SERIOUS response (serious?  I know!  FE's gone to the dogs....)

Things I would recommend, as a 22 year old dude.
First, be sure to give them space, but don't let them swim free.  Teenagers will need space, and they want it.  And it's nice.  Think about it like a zoo animal.  You can't just toss it into the wild, and neither can you just leave it in the cage (as much as you'd LIKE to leave it in the cage.... you can't.  Unless you can afford to pay for them for the rest of their lives.  And buy them a spouse.  But I don't think many of us here can.  If so...  and it is a she...  PM me.  ^_^  haha!)

Second, pray for them to discern their vocation (has anyone else mentioned this?  :-p).  Keep an active role in their life, but don't press on them too much. 

Third, I dunno.  Guess?  *shrugs* 

Hope that helps some.

Sounds like University of Missouri at Rolla. 

Lol.  Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology- Go Fightin Engineers!

[59zvc]

Great advice! Thank you.

So you think it's great advice to tell your teenagers they can't go out on a date until they're graduated and out of the house?

[mom]

In our house there is no dating (meaning 1-1 boyfriend/girlfriend) until 18.
This does NOT mean that our teens have no friends of the opposite sex or spend time in mixed gender situations. It means there is no 'going steady' or 'going out' with one person.  They don't feel sheltered or deprived. None of their friends have boyfriends/girlfriends either.  They all still hang out in a group. No, I am not being naive about what is going on, these kids are always supervised by adults or with an older friend (engaged young woman) who is one of the most trustworthy, moral young people I have ever known.
Edited to add: I was a 'wild child' as a teen and dh was as a twenty-somethind. Between the two of us our kids will have a super hard time getting anything by us. Way too much BTDT.

So far (our oldest dd is 16, oldest ds is 15) this has worked well for us. Ds talks about getting a girlfriend in his 20's. As far as he is concerned he'll be too busy until then to bother with girls :D He thinks he is all that 
DD is a total romantic and spends so much time with her nose in Jane Austen novels and Regina Doman's modern fairy tales I frequently need to make sure her expectations for the poor young men that try and date her, are realistic.

[ResiduumRevertetur]

Great advice! Thank you.

So you think it's great advice to tell your teenagers they can't go out on a date until they're graduated and out of the house?

If that's what works in her house, who's to disagree? And I meant the overall advice was very good. Is there a need to be nitpicking and rude to someone who is trying to help? I really don't think so. She's not developing national policy for goodness sake.

[BrevisVir55]

In our house there is no dating (meaning 1-1 boyfriend/girlfriend) until 18.
This does NOT mean that our teens have no friends of the opposite sex or spend time in mixed gender situations. It means there is no 'going steady' or 'going out' with one person.  They don't feel sheltered or deprived. None of their friends have boyfriends/girlfriends either.  They all still hang out in a group. No, I am not being naive about what is going on, these kids are always supervised by adults or with an older friend (engaged young woman) who is one of the most trustworthy, moral young people I have ever known.
Edited to add: I was a 'wild child' as a teen and dh was as a twenty-somethind. Between the two of us our kids will have a super hard time getting anything by us. Way too much BTDT.

So far (our oldest dd is 16, oldest ds is 15) this has worked well for us. Ds talks about getting a girlfriend in his 20's. As far as he is concerned he'll be too busy until then to bother with girls :D He thinks he is all that 
DD is a total romantic and spends so much time with her nose in Jane Austen novels and Regina Doman's modern fairy tales I frequently need to make sure her expectations for the poor young men that try and date her, are realistic.

Honestly, I wouldn't have minded at all if my parents told me those were the rules. I'd prefer that over ma nagging me to date more girls any day! Would save a lot of trouble and needless drama in high school that's for sure!
I say good call "mom" 

[OFFICIAL STAMP OF TEENAGE GUY APPROVAL]  ;D

pax