Should spouses guilty of adultery confess this sin to their spouse?

[Joseph11]

I had a theology professor once who said, quite explicitly during his lecture on Catholic morality, that it is best for the offending spouse to NOT tell his wife (or her husband) about having committed adultery.  Otherwise, there was a risk of destroying the marriage.  I think he might have said the children should be the primary concern in this regard.

Personally, I was somewhat taken aback by this.  For I would never be able to look my spouse in the face again if I had done that and she did not know.  I would feel like she did not know me anymore.

But would it be selfish to tell a spouse about infidelity, just so I can feel "authentic" again?  What if it destroyed the marriage?  That could have a catastrophic effect on the children.

Shouldn't an unfaithful spouse just go to confession and "get over it"?

On the other hand, an unfaithful spouse who keeps such a secret opens himself up to potentially devastating blackmail by whomever he sinned with, or just plain malicious informing of his wife.  And I think it would be better for such a husband to tell his wife himself than let his partner in sin tell her...

I don't know about anyone else, but I think the best course of action is to tell your spouse as soon as possible if you have been unfaithful.  At least then there is the possibility of forgiveness.

I cannot for the life of me see why my theology professor recommended secrecy about such a thing.  Secrecy could easily be far worse than honesty.  In fact, secrecy could be a terrible occasion of sin.  If you got away with it once, why not a second time, huh (says the devil)?

The only remaining difficulty after total honesty with one's spouse would be insulating one's children from the offending spouse's partner in sin, should that person prove to be malicious.

Thoughts?

[kimbaichan]

I think yes but not for any reason you've listed. You're putting your spouse physically in danger (STDs, HIV) when you cheat on them. Both spouses may need a doctor's appointment. Withholding information that could physically harm another person is, IMO, worse than withholding information that will emotionally harm them.

[Joseph11]

I think yes but not for any reason you've listed. You're putting your spouse physically in danger (STDs, HIV) when you cheat on them. Both spouses may need a doctor's appointment. Withholding information that could physically harm another person is, IMO, worse than withholding information that will emotionally harm them.

If I had remembered that reason, I would have included it as well.  But I did not remember it.  And you're right, it should be the foremost concern.

[wallflower]

I cannot for the life of me see why my theology professor recommended secrecy about such a thing.  Secrecy could easily be far worse than honesty.  In fact, secrecy could be a terrible occasion of sin.  If you got away with it once, why not a second time, huh (says the devil)?

It's not a matter of recommending secrecy, it's a matter of recommending prudence. Each couple is different so their personal journeys through something like this would be different and we'd be here forever if we tried to delve into each possible scenario.

One thing is constant however and that is the catastrophic repercussions that occur in such a home, family and marriage. Some people cannot handle these situations, period. Maybe you can or think you could, but the reality is that many cannot. That's why there is a call, not for secrecy, but for prudence. The bottom line is that no one is obliged to reveal these sins. That doesn't mean they can't or that the marriage couldn't benefit in the long run by recognizing and correcting problems, it just means they don't have to and are cautioned in doing so. Many times if adultery has occurred, the marriage is rocky anyway and this would be the last straw, whereas with prudence it might have made it through the rocks and gone on to thrive.

It may be a shocking thought at first but upon reflection, it makes sense. The children, the home, the marriage are infinitely more valuable than the confession of that sin to the spouse (confess to God of course). To destroy a family because we FEEL like we have to get it off our chest is like giving Satan a freebie. But again it really depends on circumstances and the individual couple, whether or not they can handle it, whether or not it's a chronic issue or a one-time deal, the ages of the children if they have any, whether the spouse was already suspecting or not etc...

The world wants to know and takes polygraphs etc.. but that's because divorce is an option for them. Most of the time adultery is a deal breaker but they don't see the sacred institution of the marriage, family and home like we do. Most often they want to know so they can proceed with a divorce. This is not our view. Or it shouldn't be anyway. I'm not saying that's what you have in mind in wanting to divulge an affair, I know it isn't. But I'm highlighting why we hear about "honesty" to such an extreme that hearing about prudence is shocking to our modern sensibilities.
 

[wallflower]

I think yes but not for any reason you've listed. You're putting your spouse physically in danger (STDs, HIV) when you cheat on them. Both spouses may need a doctor's appointment. Withholding information that could physically harm another person is, IMO, worse than withholding information that will emotionally harm them.

This is circumstantial. As a circumstance it would make a difference in divulging or not, but it does not make the rule because it isn't necessarily a factor in each case. It's just another piece of the prudence puzzle.

[Stephanos]

I'm not married and so have little to append to this, but...

Until I read your post, Zakhur, I was leaning toward the opinion of prudence, as others have said.

But your comment about the possibility of blackmail brings an important consideration into this, as well.  A very frightening consideration for, e.g., the husband who committed adultery, repented completely, and wants to "move on" with his life.

Is there no definitive answer on this theologically?  No one in any thread seems to have brought forth a solid recommendation backed by a more-or-less theological consensus, yet.

[Satori]

I cannot for the life of me see why my theology professor recommended secrecy about such a thing.  Secrecy could easily be far worse than honesty.  In fact, secrecy could be a terrible occasion of sin.  If you got away with it once, why not a second time, huh (says the devil)?

It's not a matter of recommending secrecy, it's a matter of recommending prudence. Each couple is different so their personal journeys through something like this would be different and we'd be here forever if we tried to delve into each possible scenario.

One thing is constant however and that is the catastrophic repercussions that occur in such a home, family and marriage. Some people cannot handle these situations, period. Maybe you can or think you could, but the reality is that many cannot. That's why there is a call, not for secrecy, but for prudence. The bottom line is that no one is obliged to reveal these sins. That doesn't mean they can't or that the marriage couldn't benefit in the long run by recognizing and correcting problems, it just means they don't have to and are cautioned in doing so. Many times if adultery has occurred, the marriage is rocky anyway and this would be the last straw, whereas with prudence it might have made it through the rocks and gone on to thrive.

It may be a shocking thought at first but upon reflection, it makes sense. The children, the home, the marriage are infinitely more valuable than the confession of that sin to the spouse (confess to God of course). To destroy a family because we FEEL like we have to get it off our chest is like giving Satan a freebie. But again it really depends on circumstances and the individual couple, whether or not they can handle it, whether or not it's a chronic issue or a one-time deal, the ages of the children if they have any, whether the spouse was already suspecting or not etc...

The world wants to know and takes polygraphs etc.. but that's because divorce is an option for them. Most of the time adultery is a deal breaker but they don't see the sacred institution of the marriage, family and home like we do. Most often they want to know so they can proceed with a divorce. This is not our view. Or it shouldn't be anyway. I'm not saying that's what you have in mind in wanting to divulge an affair, I know it isn't. But I'm highlighting why we hear about "honesty" to such an extreme that hearing about prudence is shocking to our modern sensibilities.
 

I think you are very wise.

[wallflower]

But your comment about the possibility of blackmail brings an important consideration into this, as well.  A very frightening consideration for, e.g., the husband who committed adultery, repented completely, and wants to "move on" with his life.

Is there no definitive answer on this theologically?  No one in any thread seems to have brought forth a solid recommendation backed by a more-or-less theological consensus, yet.

The possibility of blackmail is also only circumstantial and makes no rules either way.

I'm not sure if there are any definitive theological rules, that's part of the problem. There are so many ifs, ands and butts that the Church doesn't say "you have to tell" or "don't tell". Of course I have no links to give you, but that was imparted to me during PreCana courses by an SSPX priest. I am confident in my resource but understand if others need more. If anyone else has links to put up I'd be interested in seeing them too. I took a peek in the Catechism Explained and didn't see anything off the bat, and the Catholic Morality doesn't go into enough detail either.

[Mhoram]

I think yes but not for any reason you've listed. You're putting your spouse physically in danger (STDs, HIV) when you cheat on them. Both spouses may need a doctor's appointment. Withholding information that could physically harm another person is, IMO, worse than withholding information that will emotionally harm them.

That's a good reason for the adulterer to get tested, but as long as the tests come back clean, there's no need for the spouse to do so.

[wallflower]

@ Satori, we must have some special Sunday Morning graces flowing.