Male victims of domestic violence

[JayneK]

Devoted Knuckles is a sad lesson to us all. Before he had his run-ins with abusive women, he wrote just like an English professor.  It is simply tragic.   

[UnamSanctam]

Devoted Knuckles is a sad lesson to us all. Before he had his run-ins with abusive women, he wrote just like an English professor.  It is simply tragic.   

 

[Raskolnikov]

Unfortunately, police very rarely take abuse cases seriously when a woman is the violent perpetrator. My dad was stabbed by his ex-wife, and yet the police still gave her custody of their child. When she was violent towards my brother, the police simply regarded it as a mother disciplining her misbehaving son, even though his school reported it. Thankfully neither my father nor my brother are still in contact with that psychotic woman any more. She came to our house once and threatened my mother - something else which the police didn't take seriously. A deranged and mentally unstable woman is just as dangerous as any man, but social attitudes automatically dictate that people take those cases less seriously. Of course, if my father had hit her or been violent towards her (which he never was), there would have been severe legal repercussions... but the police seemed to think that a wife stabbing her husband is just a harmless domestic dispute. Go figure.

[JayneK]

Unfortunately, police very rarely take abuse cases seriously when a woman is the violent perpetrator. My dad was stabbed by his ex-wife, and yet the police still gave her custody of their child. When she was violent towards my brother, the police simply regarded it as a mother disciplining her misbehaving son, even though his school reported it. Thankfully neither my father nor my brother are still in contact with that psychotic woman any more. She came to our house once and threatened my mother - something else which the police didn't take seriously. A deranged and mentally unstable woman is just as dangerous as any man, but social attitudes automatically dictate that people take those cases less seriously. Of course, if my father had hit her or been violent towards her (which he never was), there would have been severe legal repercussions... but the police seemed to think that a wife stabbing her husband is just a harmless domestic dispute. Go figure.

One often hears stories like this (or is personally involved).  This is clearly an attitude of society that needs to change.  I think that, as a woman, it is especially important for me to speak out on this issue.  I have noticed that people are often dismissive of men who talk about this problem.  It gets called  whining or even misogyny.  But it is unjust and we should oppose it.

[Andrew]

The abuse is not necessarily limited to physical abuse, but includes emotional and psychological as well. As a survivor of the latter two, I know the trauma that it can cause and the continue to bear the wounds of it to this day. I have struggled with a hatred that no man should bear towards another human being, but as time goes by; even that subsides. I can now say that I hope she is doing well. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a woman again as I did her, because the trust I placed in her only caused more abuse. Admitting that the abuse occurred doesn't make one less of a man, in fact; quite the opposite.

Good for you!   I think that kind of thing is what a lot of the revenge movies were about.  Like:  "Carrie" and "Willard."  I guess "Sybill" is kind of like that.  The Nightmare on Elmstreets seem to be about child abuse and some other themes.  My favorite revenge films are the ones from the 1930s, with Bela Lugosi and/or Boris Karloff.  "The Black Cat" is one of their best, I think. 

In the end, revenge is a bottomless pit.  Forgiveness is much better. 

[Arun]

Andrew, in regards to revenge films I personally find Sweeney Todd to be a beautiful depiction of the fruits of revenge. The end really drives it home.

Back to the topic at hand, an interesting insight from a Traditional Catholic perspective here - I personally witnessed a discussion, firsthand, in which Fr A Cranshaw of the SSPX chastised a man for restraining his wife during a situation in which she punched, scratched, kicked and hit him with heavy objects from around the house. The man in question essentially used joint manipulation to throw her to the ground, and then he says he simply held her pinned there while she continued to rage, spitting and struggling, until the situation calmed down.

Father Cranshaw's instruction to this man was to simply allow her to vent her rage by hitting as a woman can't hurt a man when she hits him, but only slap him mildly until she tires (which will happen very quickly).

I have been in this household myself when things have gone down, and believe you me it is not a safe situation to simply let this woman carry on. I've seen her smash him around with all kinds of heavy and large objects forma round the house, including a children's toy ride-on zebra and have also seen her threaten harm to him and herself with a knife.

On some occasions he has told me of, she has locked herself into rooms threatening to kill herself and he has had to kick down doors, smash windows &c. in order to gain access - of course when outsiders view the damage it is assumed that he is a wild drunk or angry man who simply smashes the house up when he loses his temper!

Poor guy, and then when he turns to the priest, the priest lets him down as well. All though, that being said, some priests in particular tend to do nothing but let people down. The aforementioned Padre is certainly one of those in my experience. Perhaps it has a lot to do with the preconceived judgments he has made of some of us. Others in the parish do not receive such harsh treatment...

Hmmm...

[Andrew]

Powerful story Arun and all too common I'm afraid.  Rage gets the best of somebody and they just want to hurt themselves/others.  Lousy response from the priest, but pretty normal for a "community response" these days.  What a shame.  I guess that guy has got to do the best he can, on his own. Of course, none of us are really alone, if we only have eyes to see.  Stand up guy if you ask me, to stay in a marriage like that and maintain his control.  I'll bet he's part of the dynamic though.  Not to blame him, but there's probably a lot he could do, to help relax the situation.  Basic ideas from Alanon would probably be helpful for him. 

[NorthernTrad]

I hate to be the mean guy here, but seriously, what kind of wimp sits around to be abused by a woman?  Seriously?   I say this from experience.  I was with a woman once in my dating days who tried to pull this.  All a man has to do is grab the woman in a bear hug and not let go.  She'll calm down after a while once she gets humiliated by not being able to break free.  Sure she'll flop about for a while - dont' let go - she'll eventually get it and start crying because she realizes she's not in charge and can't pull this crap when a man decides so.

[Melita]

I hate to be the mean guy here, but seriously, what kind of wimp sits around to be abused by a woman?  Seriously?   I say this from experience.  I was with a woman once in my dating days who tried to pull this.  All a man has to do is grab the woman in a bear hug and not let go.  She'll calm down after a while once she gets humiliated by not being able to break free.  Sure she'll flop about for a while - dont' let go - she'll eventually get it and start crying because she realizes she's not in charge and can't pull this crap when a man decides so.

Some women are massive and a lot stronger than men. It's not fair to say guys who get attacked by women are "wimps". And it's not physical strength that determines who's "in charge" anyway.

[JayneK]

I hate to be the mean guy here, but seriously, what kind of wimp sits around to be abused by a woman?  Seriously?   I say this from experience.  I was with a woman once in my dating days who tried to pull this.  All a man has to do is grab the woman in a bear hug and not let go.  She'll calm down after a while once she gets humiliated by not being able to break free.  Sure she'll flop about for a while - dont' let go - she'll eventually get it and start crying because she realizes she's not in charge and can't pull this crap when a man decides so.

Women use weapons, surprise, and poison against men.  They also attack when the man is asleep.  Another thing that puts the man at a disadvantage is that, in most cases, he does not want to hurt the woman.  It is not always a simple thing to deal with an abusive woman.