father looking at gay porn?

[anonymouse]

Sorry if this is uncomfortably personal, but I'd appreciate some words of wisdom, and I'm not sure where else to put it on the site. I'm a traditional Catholic and don't want to start any side-topics about homosexuality etc with this thread topic. I just would really like some perspectives because I'm feeling a bit sad/ confused about it to be honest!

A few years ago I noticed that my father had been looking at gay porn on the net. It disturbed me enough to go and see my university counsellor about it, who I didn't expect much help from and who basically laughed it off as I thought he might. At the time, my parents' marriage was going through some rough spots, not for the first time, and all sorts of images/ ideas were conjured up about my father having more than friendships with his one or two close male friends, and the temptation was there to re-write the whole history of my parents' marriage in a less than ideal way. I tried to put it out of my mind, thinking it was some weird phase of aging that my father was going through, but recently I was given my father's computer while mine was being repaired and saw that there were still horrifically named websites in the browsing history. On Christmas Eve and Christmas Day no less!

A bit of background history to put it in context and help feedback - 1. My father had a very domineering, famously intelligent and cold-hearted agnostic mother who made her kids life pretty hellish and eventually drove her presbyterian husband out of the house in depression. By all accounts she was a very nasty piece of work, and I remember that as a very young kid at her funeral I was amazed by the utter lack of love in the room for her from the few people there. 2. My mother, when my father met her, was a very charismatic, slightly-rebellious old-school Catholic woman who converted my father to the faith (well, my father reading augustine played some part too!).  She was full of love but she (in her irish-catholic way) never had a tolerance for weakness, and eventually she started hen-pecking my "successful" but searching father. He got more and more into cars and building stuff and money-management and anything that didn't involve people, and eventually they were living in different rooms but not seperating officially for the sake of the kids and their vows. It was only years after this that my dad started looking into gay porn.

Basically, what's with my dad, and what, apart from prayer, should I do about it? Should he know that I know? Would that humiliate him? Can I help him? Can I do anything about the years of psychological stuff that have led him to that horrible form of escapism?

Please pray for him as well as giving me some advice.

[loggats]

Pornography is a problem. Forget the fact it's gay porn - all porn is bad, dehumanizing and reductive of the dignity of human beings. Your parents marital situation is not really your business. Obviously you should pray for them but it's not your place to interfere. It sounds like your father is not Catholic and maybe you should try introducing him to the faith or if he is, practicing it with more conviction.

[anonymouse]

loggats, yes all pornography is bad, agreed.

My parents' marital status is none of my business? Can you give me some authority for that? I'd like to believe it, but I'm not sure it's possible or even right.

My father is a Catholic, converted by my mother - I edited my post before you posted because I anticipated such a response.

Yes he is influenced by the way I practise my faith.

[anonymouse]

And may I add, loggats, that's a pretty snotty reply, and not at all what I was hoping for!!!

[loggats]

And may I add, loggats, that's a pretty snotty reply, and not at all what I was hoping for!!!

I'm sure you'll have plenty of sympathetic, shoulder to cry on responses soon. What I meant by my post was that:
a) you only have control over your own decisions. So don't allow other people's sins to damage you if you can't change your father's behavior. Only he can do that through the grace of God.
b) your salvation is between you and God through the Church. Again, nothing to do with your folks.
c) their marriage is their affair. If it has broken down that has nothing to do with you.

[anonymouse]

Fair enough, loggats. That does help a lot. Not that I haven't thought it before, but it's good to hear someone else say it.

But what about caring for people? And trying to help them?

[loggats]

Fair enough, loggats. That does help a lot. Not that I haven't thought it before, but it's good to hear someone else say it.

But what about caring for people? And trying to help them?

Has he asked for your help? You've made a judgment that he needs your help. As a Catholic I agree, what he's doing is unacceptable. What can you do? Pray. If you're not ready to actually confront him with your concerns, I don't see how much further this can go.

[anonymouse]

OK. Great!

I was kinda hoping it could go further than that, at least for me as a son who has to deal with it, but I guess you've cut it down to what I cut it down to before I took a deep breath and posted about it.

Is everything so bleak? Can't I help my dad somehow? Honestly.

[loggats]

OK. Great!

I was kinda hoping it could go further than that, at least for me as a son who has to deal with it, but I guess you've cut it down to what I cut it down to before I took a deep breath and posted about it.

Is everything so bleak? Can't I help my dad somehow? Honestly.

Without actually talking to him about it....?

[anonymouse]

Elaborate! How? Should I? How do I take care of him about this problem without stepping over father/ son lines etc?