Marriage Problem

[The_Harlequin_King]

I like to act, but it's mostly out of self-preservation.  I don't intend to change the world.  I waved goodbye to that when I decided not to become a priest.  

I don't know about changing the world, but it's not that hard to improve one's immediate/local environment with enough dedication. In any case, the succeeding doesn't matter as much as the trying. You see, there's a fine line between appearing not to do anything, and actually not doing anything. The first is very sexy; the second is not sexy at all. The original poster gave the impression that our husband in question is not an active force in the world. That.... is a problem.

[The_Harlequin_King]

You are reading the wrong conspiracies.

I dunno, Verena, I've heard and read quite a bit.

Amusingly, whenever I head up from San Antonio to Austin, I find that Austinites are conspiracy theorists by default. It's a testament to the sheer might of the military-industrial complex that you can have an entire city that acknowledges and decries its existence, and it still doesn't have anything to worry about.

[ggreg]

Surfing news and conspiracy crap every night seems awfully boring to me. Just sayin'.

You are reading the wrong conspiracies.

True.  Try bbc5

[Walty]

I like to act, but it's mostly out of self-preservation.  I don't intend to change the world.  I waved goodbye to that when I decided not to become a priest.  

I don't know about changing the world, but it's not that hard to improve one's immediate/local environment with enough dedication. In any case, the succeeding doesn't matter as much as the trying. You see, there's a fine line between appearing not to do anything, and actually not doing anything. The first is very sexy; the second is not sexy at all. The original poster gave the impression that our husband in question is not an active force in the world. That.... is a problem.

I guess it depends.  If, on the one hand, his business is doing well and his family is stable, he is doing what he ought.  I would be more interested as to why he has so much free time and less concerned with whether his favorite hobbies move him to do anything beneficial or concrete.  I mean, hobbies are mostly for relaxation and leisure.

We both play video games as a hobby.  They don't contribute to anything and serve as merely a form of stimulation.

[The_Harlequin_King]

I guess it depends.  If, on the one hand, his business is doing well and his family is stable, he is doing what he ought.  I would be more interested as to why he has so much free time and less concerned with whether his favorite hobbies move him to do anything beneficial or concrete.  I mean, hobbies are mostly for relaxation and leisure.

All I'm saying is that a man needs to be active in some capacity in order to be seen as virile or sexually appealing. I shouldn't have implied that it necessarily must be connected to his hobby of news-reading, but that seemed like an obvious example of something to do.

We both play video games as a hobby.  They don't contribute to anything and serve as merely a form of stimulation.

Oh, I dunno about that. I see games as both an inspiration for my own creative endeavors, and a possible means of employment. I keep applying at all my favorite game developer studios until I get a job. It's bound to happen one of these decades.

[Walty]

I guess it depends.  If, on the one hand, his business is doing well and his family is stable, he is doing what he ought.  I would be more interested as to why he has so much free time and less concerned with whether his favorite hobbies move him to do anything beneficial or concrete.  I mean, hobbies are mostly for relaxation and leisure.

All I'm saying is that a man needs to be active in some capacity in order to be seen as virile or sexually appealing.

I think the marker of male sexual appeal should be amount of chest hair combined with gallantry in moustache growing.

[Graham]

Kgreen, this may not be the answer you want, but the truth is there's no way for you to snap your fingers and transform your husband into St. Joseph. What you can do is slowly and steadily improve yourself and hope and pray you carry him along with you. Like the great St. Monica. Scriptorium's advice is good:

Be spotless. You can't resist him. I don't mean be a doormat, but do not give him any fuel to work with, to bounce off of. Just be kind to him. Smite his faults with kindness. Kindness is not lovey-dovey, but just good ol'100% well wishes that he comes out of this rut. If his wife is on his side, then he can get better. If you play the game he is stuck in, the whole family can come down.

Kgreen, I'd like to hear your husband's side of the story. Could you try to describe it to us, in calm, neutral language?

He wonders why I don't have much sexual attraction for him.

This is a massive issue that needs to be resolved. What is going on here? Better to share nothing with us than share unexamined half-truths. I doubt it's as simple as him spending too much time on the computer, as unsexy as that admittedly is.

Here's an idea. I don't claim it's the only idea or the best idea, but it might help: Look into ways to increase his testosterone levels. If you're the one making the meals, feed him lots of beef and dark green vegetables like kale. Perhaps there are supplements like fish oil you can convince him to take or somehow slip into his food. If you don't already, get him to join you in daily exercise, like walking, jogging, lifting weights; this is a doubly good practice, since your own health will affect his sexual attraction for you. Irregular sleep also decreases testosterone, but his bad sleep habits are probably not something you can tackle right away, though perhaps regular sex would help with this. There is plenty of good advice available online for increasing testosterone and also for decreasing his estrogen levels.

Other problems: he is constantly cutting down on me and calling me names and it seems like he always wants to  pick a fight. Sometimes he gets a little violent. He always uses vulgar language.  He says things like "didn't your parents teach you any culture or manners" if I yawn while he's talking, and "didn't your mom even care what you did as you grew up?" if he thinks I'm not doing the right things with the kids. If I agree with him on something he is trying to "correct" me on he keeps saying the same thing over and over in different ways like he's trying to make me mad at him and start a fight. Then the fight lasts for hours of talking in circles and anything negative I say about him is quickly shot down while I am always the "dumb bitch" Sorry to use the language but that's what it is.

Notable is the absence of any self-reflection here, there is only criticism and complaint and self-pity. I trust that this is you venting, and not an indication of how you act towards your husband. Self-examination - inspecting how you help create and feed the current pattern of problems - is vital to resolving the situation, because you can only control yourself, not him. No-one can offer you more complete advice with only these one-sided complaints to go on.

[James02]

If your description is accurate, then your husband's behavior is a big fat failure.

The best way to deal with a man is to have a discussion on facts.  Telling him how it makes you feel won't have much impact.  Telling him his factual duties will have more impact.  This may seem foreign to the female brain, but that is how the male brain is wired.  It focuses on duty, honor, and facts.  Emotions are secondary.  Puts you in a tough spot.

It's too bad you couldn't confront this right before lent and get him to give it up for lent. 

The best bet is to talk to him when he is not on the computer.  Ask him what is a reasonable amount of time.  Shame might make him pop off, but if he says something smart like "whatever I feel it is", then ask him "Is this the truth?  Do you really believe that?  What's reasonable?"

Your husband is an addict.  Curing it will take months.  Research internet addiction and pray that you won't be discouraged in the fight.  Start with a small goal.  Friday is date night.  Period.  Get him to commit to it.  Tell him it is his duty to be a husband, and that means date night.  Leave out how it makes you feel, talk about his duty instead.  Start with this one goal.  This one improvement will boost your spirits.  Plan on going dancing, to the movies, or out to dinner.  No kids allowed (if you have any).  One night a week, perhaps 4 hours.  Avoid going for the "solution" all at once.  Stick to one night a week for date night. 

Also, crying works.  Makes a man feel dishonorable, especially if he knows in his heart he's wrong.  Don't overuse it though.

Try this first.  Last resort, bring in your priest.  Your husband will view it as disloyal and it will shame him.  Perhaps arrange for the priest to suggest that he comes over for dinner.

Anyhow, you all are still working out the marriage.  You are young, so don't get discouraged.  Fight the good fight.

[James02]

Key facts I skimmed over:  Only married 3.5 years.  kidS, plural.  New house.  husband works for himself.

Alright, K, I have good news for you.  You are normal and it is not going to stay this way.

First let me explain your husband.  Husbands actually worry, but in a different way.  It's probably best to say we monitor and evaluate risk, continuously.  He is running a business, has a new house, and little kids.  His risk profile is high.  If he fails, family may lose home, and the kids starve or get sold off for scientific experiment.  Now a man's "worry" is not emotional.  So you won't pick up on it.  And he doesn't want YOU to worry.  So he bottles it up in side.

At some point the other part of the brain can get overwhelmed, so it decides it needs some down time.  When he's on the computer, he is sending a message.  DON'T MESS WITH ME.  He wants to clear his brain.  Well, it feels real good to chill, and pretty soon he overdoes it, and MAY now be an addict.  That's your husband.

Now the good news.  EVERY married couple always dumps dating when the little ones come.  You have to.  But at some point it has to start again.  And all of us forget that, until it hits us one day.  Usually by the time you are on number 2, you know they aren't going to die if you look away for a few seconds, or if you have one, after he is a little older.  There's your problem.

So the advice is still the same.  Start date night again.  Find a babysitter, then go have fun once a week.  Start there.  Forget about the computer problem for now.  Tackle that in steps.  Once you all have a few fun dates together ALONE, then things will get easier.

[dymphna17]

Alot of good advice here, K.  Wish I'd had it years ago.  But I'm learning now.  A Priest recently told me that most of the time when men start making themselves "unavailable", it's because the wife is unhappy and they just don't know what to do.  They tried a couple of things that didn't work, so they vacate the situation, either through work or hobbies.  Giving him the answers in a calm, cool, and effective manner will help.  Then when he tries, make sure to acknowledge his attempts in a very positive way.  Sex is HUGE with men.  Force yourself to find things to be attracted to in him.  Think of a look he used to give you, or a smile that you fell in love with.  Stop with the negative.  Force the positive.  This starts as penance, but ends up being easier with time.

Another thing is that when we fight with our men or challenge their ways, we are competing with them to be right.  That is stepping on their male ego.  Men have to be competitive in order to survive the world they must live and work in.  It is imperitive that they be this way.  When we step on their egos we are basically trying to control them and that is not OK.  Basically what your husband is doing when he verbally abuses you is emotionally backhanding you.  It's not right, but when pushed, most men will do this.  Then they feel guilty and this makes them stay away from you even more.  Don't allow the situation to escalate to this.  This aspect is on you.  Like others have said, work on making yourself better and quit concentrating on what he's doing wrong.  Trust me, you don't know what all is going on in his head.  Say a constant novena to St. Joseph for your husband and ask Our Lady to touch both your hearts.  Prayers and {{{}}} for you and yours.