Marriage & Coworkers of the Opposite Sex

[JubilateDeo83]

I've never been the type of woman that has close friendships with men.  Most of my friends have always been women and I've never seen the appeal of sharing the company of a man outside my marriage. 

My husband used to have a lot of close, intimate friendships with women back when we were dating.  At one point, I told him that spending time alone with female friends makes me uncomfortable.  As far as I am concerned, a married man has no business getting together with a woman who is not his wife.  What is to be gained by that, except temptation?  I would never make plans with a male friend to go "grab coffee."  If I need someone to talk to, I have plenty of female friends.  There's no conversation I ever need to have with another man that couldn't take place in mixed company.  If a married man is being faithful he shouldn't have any reason to spend time alone with another woman.  It's not that I don't think married people should completely cut themselves off from all members of the opposite sex, but a married person should be satisfied with limiting the contact to settings like dinner parties, community gatherings or other social events.

My husband recently made plans to "grab a cup of coffee" with his former boss, who is a woman.  Of course, this date is near our wedding anniversary and he hasn't even made plans to take ME out for dinner, but already he's booking a coffee date with this other lady on a Saturday night.  What am I, chopped liver?  I can't remember the last time he took me anywhere.  This woman's place is in the home, not "grabbing coffee" with my man.

I don't know.  am I being oversensitive for feeling a little jealous of this woman?  Are my expectations way off base?  I don't think that my husband would cheat on me with her, and he claims that they were going to talk about tech/business stuff that I wouldn't care about.  How should a married man conduct himself with his female co-workers?  Where should the boundary be drawn between professional relationships, and impropriety? 

[Pilgrim]

Of course, this date is near our wedding anniversary and he hasn't even made plans to take ME out for dinner, but already he's booking a coffee date with this other lady on a Saturday night.  What am I, chopped liver?  I can't remember the last time he took me anywhere.  This woman's place is in the home, not "grabbing coffee" with my man.

Perhaps he's planning to surprise you on your anniversary?

[JubilateDeo83]

Of course, this date is near our wedding anniversary and he hasn't even made plans to take ME out for dinner, but already he's booking a coffee date with this other lady on a Saturday night.  What am I, chopped liver?  I can't remember the last time he took me anywhere.  This woman's place is in the home, not "grabbing coffee" with my man.

Perhaps he's planning to surprise you on your anniversary?

That sounds really nice, but unfortunately he isn't that kind of guy.  If we ever have a date night it's because I asked my mother to babysit and he always expects me to pick the restaurant & make the reservation.  I guess for once i would like to be taken on a date, not the other way around.

[The_Harlequin_King]

The main problem in my estimation is the fact that he doesn't see to your needs first. That sounds like trouble brewing. But if you were satisfied with his attentions, you probably wouldn't have thought to post this topic at all even if he were to meet other women for coffee.

The matter of meeting opposite-sex friends at all is one of personal taste. To be honest, a "woman's woman" (a woman who actually prefers the company of other women) is something of a rarity in my social circles.

[per_passionem_eius]

I would not discourage my husband from meeting a woman alone, to discuss business/tech stuff, as long as the meeting was during the day.

[newyorkcatholic]

I agree with HK ... the other woman seems not to be the main issue.  You don't think your husband is caring for you emotionally ... I wonder if you could tell him so?

[Tim]

I ain't going to comment on your marriage, but work and women is a different thing. I been to that rodeo, and a lasso was my weapon of choice. If he has business with her that's at 9 to 5 or a meeting with others about a specific thing with others. Biz is supercharged today and successful leaders are sought after and because morality was left back there about 1964 sex is part and parcel. Perhaps your husband is a bright guy that hasn't reached his potential and well you get the idea.

tim

[rbjmartin]

Personally, I don't have any issue with my wife hanging out with male friends, as long as I know the guy.

[JubilateDeo83]

The main problem in my estimation is the fact that he doesn't see to your needs first. That sounds like trouble brewing. But if you were satisfied with his attentions, you probably wouldn't have thought to post this topic at all even if he were to meet other women for coffee.

The matter of meeting opposite-sex friends at all is one of personal taste. To be honest, a "woman's woman" (a woman who actually prefers the company of other women) is something of a rarity in my social circles.

Yeah, I think it is because i feel like he isn't even considering how I feel about this.  There have been times when he has mentioned to me that Diane from Marketing or Jessica from Tech wants to get together with him for a drink after work to discuss some work related matter.  It encouraged trust when he at least mentioned it to me beforehand and showed that he at least cared what I thought.  Plus, he also paid more attention to me & didn't take me for granted as much.  Any criticism of his behavior is seen as nagging & ignored.  I try to offer this up rather than try to change anything but it is hard not to allow myself to get hurt once in awhile.  It's just hard to trust someone to be pure & faithful when they don't show any sign that they still care about you.  All the other men in his family cheated on their wives like it was a national pasttime (they are Italian) and he says he will never follow in their footsteps but I don't know.

I agree that some people are more inclined toward opposite-sex friendships than others.  There are men out there that I enjoy talking to, but I see no need to have private, 1-on-1 conversations with any of them.   I think in today's equal-rights, mixed gender work environment people have lost sight of the fact that gender matters.  Coworkers getting together outside work is how a lot of marriages end, so why even give off the appearance?

[The_Harlequin_King]

It's just hard to trust someone to be pure & faithful when they don't show any sign that they still care about you.  All the other men in his family cheated on their wives like it was a national pasttime (they are Italian) and he says he will never follow in their footsteps but I don't know.

I'm on your side, but it's a tough situation. I've not been married, so I don't have anything wise to say in regard to a remedy. I've been guilty of being inattentive or taking women for granted in past relationships, and they tended to fall apart soon after.