Marriage & Coworkers of the Opposite Sex

[Jacafamala]

Well grabbing a cup of coffee's not going to take all that long. It's not like dinner with candle light. Tell him you're "wildly jealous"    and he must take you out for dinner-that same night--after he has coffee with her. I understand your frustration, but the way the world is today what with so many women working, many husbands are going need to form proffesional friendships with other women. My husband has female friends, one in particular with whom he really liked working. He trusts her, and they've both been able to help each other in their respective carriers on several occasions. He's given her good advice, she's given him some really good references. So it's been a good thing here.

[paul11b]

Well I can only speak for myself, I love my wife and I am a pretty devout Catholic but I must say that temptation is a M0$#ERFu(k#% and that I for sure would not put myself in that situation unless it was a woman that I was related to (like my mother or sister). I CANNOT speak for your husband, and I don't think I would ever cheat on my wife, but satan is a lot smarter than me and if I put myself in that situation it is impossible to say what may happen. I am a cop so sometimes I will get lunch with other cops who are females but I will also always be in the company of other cops as well.  I cannot see the point of having a close friendship with a woman that was not my wife. However, I do definitely see the need (and have the need for that matter) for close male friends.   

[per_passionem_eius]

I hope that if I was in that situation I'd make my concerns known (it sounds like you've done that already) and then do everything possible to make myself like St. Monica, or another saint in a similar situation. It was said of her that her husband was a philanderer, and violent, and yet she was never known to complain about him. She was no doormat, and no idiot, and no 'victim' (except for the greater glory of God, of course). It's possible that you could be like her.

I feel a bit sorry for your husband because he sounds like he might be a little insecure. Sometimes to hold back my own anger at this kind of behavior, I get myself to feel pity for the person who's causing it, and the anger subsides. It's hard to complain about someone who I feel pity for. I used to think it was insulting to even think of feeling sorry for anyone, but it's not necessarily. Jesus felt sorry for the people who persecuted Him and rejected Him. We can do the same with our enemies, even when nothing all that bad has happened. That culture of adultery in his family sounds pretty pitiful to me.

If you've already voiced your concerns to your husband, and he's ignored them or brushed them off, as you've said, then the only next step I can see would be to take the best possible care of yourself (and him), and the marriage, and your family. Make sure your priority is to keep your own marriage vow, and your own baptismal vows. Know what I mean?

[OCLittleFlower]

I see zip, zero, zilch wrong with coffee in a public place.

Both my husband and I do this with friends, of both genders, all the time.  No problems, and neither of us thinks anything of it.

[Walty]

I see things differently.  I don't personally believe that a single man and woman should ever be "alone", even if it is in public, if one or both are married.  Circumstances may arise where they cannot help it, I suppose, but if it can be helped then I think it should.  Obviously, this doesn't apply to family members.  A husband should be able to get coffee with a sister or  a wife with an uncle, etc.

While some might think that this is extreme, I think it's a precaution that married people would be obliged to take.  Crushes start with these sort of situations, and having feelings/temptations for another are something that we ought to do our best to avoid.  I just don't think that the reward/risk ratio can be justified.  And, as we all know, people who we initially felt absolutely no attraction to whatsoever can slowly be seen in a different light.  That's just how we're hard-wired as humans.  It's natural, and making the necessary sacrifices so that naturally occurring problems don't arise is a part of marriage.

I think the line of what is extreme or not extreme must be drawn around what is natural.  While it's theoretically possible that a man could decide to experiment with a homosexual relationship after spending time with another man, or while it's possible that a woman could become incestuously interested in a male family member, it's not natural, and thus not something that we should be expected to plan around.

[OCLittleFlower]

With all due respect, Walty, I disagree.  If someone is going to develop a crush, they will do so in a group setting.  And, even if they do, they must remain chaste -- that's why I think public places are a reasonable safety measure.  Personally, I am not even that strict with close friends -- but then my closest male friend is a brother to me in all but DNA.

[Walty]

With all due respect, Walty, I disagree.  If someone is going to develop a crush, they will do so in a group setting. 

I do not think that the likelihood is the same in groups as it is in one-on-one situations.  Nor do I think it's the case that every crush that developed one-on-one would have definitely developed in a group.

[OCLittleFlower]

With all due respect, Walty, I disagree.  If someone is going to develop a crush, they will do so in a group setting. 

I do not think that the likelihood is the same in groups as it is in one-on-one situations.  Nor do I think it's the case that every crush that developed one-on-one would have definitely developed in a group.

Perhaps so.  In my own experence, that has not been the case -- I have never developed crushes in one-on-one situations.

I think many people are too fearful of opposite-sex friendship and try to turn it into something illicit when it is not.  Which only makes people think along those lines even more.

[JubilateDeo83]

I don't see the point to close, intimate opposite-sex friendships once you've already gotten married.  Spending time alone together seems too intimate, even if you're technically in a public place.  It's different than a discussion at a church social or a dinner party, because in those situations, someone could easily cut in and interrupt, and you mingle with everyone there, rather than personally setting aside time to spend with that person.

My husband doesn't personally make time to spend with me or set a "date" just for me, but he made a 'date' with this other woman. 

[ggreg]

JubilateDeo83

Is your husband a Catholic.  And if so what sort?  Lapsed, NO or Trad?