marriage advice

[jen51]

Fishies, please, I need some marriage advice to give to a friend seeking help from me. I received a letter from a dear friend today expounding upon the turbulance that her marriage is undergoing. She pleaded my advice, so I sat down immedietly to write her back... but could get no further than the salutation because, well, I am not married, nor have I ever been in a committed relationship. I have my fanciful ideas of how I would handle difficult marriage situations, but who knows if they are sound or not, having no opportunity to try them out, haha.

Here is her situation. (She's alright with me sharing this with you).

They have been married for 8 months. They aren't Catholic, but they are Protestants who have a strong desire to follow the Lord and are weekly church goers.
They recently moved from KS to CO. She didn't want to move, but he did, so she agreed upon it. They currently purchased a house and some land in the mountains. She has never been OK with moving out there, but he is so pumped about it and dead set on it that her concerns seem to be going in one ear and out the other. She agreed on it, because he was so excited and she didn't want to crush his dreams... but she's still feeling upset and is dragging her feet. She feels that since they already purchased the house, there would be no use in complaining. But there is a bitter root taking hold, because she felt so bulldozed into this. She's trying to get over it, but its hard because she feels as though she is not being heard.
He is an engineer with a new company, and is putting in a lot of extra hours. She is a nurse, and she works the night shift. Their schedules don't match at all. She said in her letter that she hasn't seen him in 3 days, except for when he asked her to stop by the office to see him yesterday. He was frustrated because she wasn't very enthusiastic and it embarrased him in front of his coworkers. She wanted to be enthusiastic, but it took all she had to keep from crying in front of them.
She said that she makes a point to be very intentional in her communication with him... how she feels about things, her concerns, etc. But she has been very discouraged because she feels as though either he's not listening or he doesn't think its a problem. Because of this she is starting to shut down... feeling as though communication seems pointless.
She's been terribly depressed for a few months now. She used to be so joyful and vibrant, it makes me so sad to see her hurting so badly. :( when she is around her husband, she tries not to look depressed so that their time spent together will be enjoyable for him.

Like I said, I'm not married, but I think if I were her, the first thing I would do is quit my job, especially if my husband was an engineer, like him. He makes a lot of money. This way she could get rid of all of the added stress, and she would be more available to him during the times that he is not working. They need to see more of each other!! They both agreed that her having a job was the best thing.... but he is also a penny pincher. Always has been. And so is she.

I figure advice from solid catholics would be the best advise to give her. I would greatly appreciate your 2 cents.

So what say you?? 

Thankyou in advance!!

[drummerboy]

If they can make a living with him just working, I don't see a point in her working.  But it already sounds like he wants lots of money to buy things, have fun, and she seems a bit of a push-over to be blunt.  Any plans for kids soon btw?

[jen51]

Any plans for kids soon btw?

Not as far as I know...

[Joamy]

Could she try another shift?

[jen51]

Nursing jobs are pretty competitive in her area. This was the best she could get. She's going to try to get a better shift after she's been there for awhile, though.

[per_passionem_eius]

I believe that traditional wisdom teaches that a husband should love his wife, and always take into account her feelings and thoughts, while accepting the responsibility of having the final say. Once a decision has been finalized, for example, the one to buy a house, a wife should let her husband take this responsibility, and never do anything to undermine his authority, most especially in front of other people, and to submit to him in every decision that doesn't involve sin.

To modern ears this sounds disgusting. Well, it needn't be. A wife with the right attitude about marriage can make her home a little haven for her husband and children if she realizes what great security will be her reward of she allows her husband his rightful authority. He will love her and will be glad to come home to her, if she makes him feel like a king in his castle. She has everything to gain by being docile to him in things that don't involve sin.

[Johanna]

But she has been docile and now she's miserable.  I don't think lack of respect for her husband is the issue here.

If she can't deal with the situation as it is, she need to change it.  Maybe work part time?  And ask her husband very specifically for what she wants, like a date night on Saturdays, or whatever she thinks she needs to get the relationship back in the saddle.  Men can be astonishingly clueless even in the face of very direct communication.  Voicing "concerns" and "feelings" doesn't  give them a game plan.

She should also do something specific to start making friends in the new city.

[per_passionem_eius]

Jen, May 4 would be a good day to go to Mass and offer that sacrifice in honour of St. Monica, whose feast will be celebrated that day. Or you could pray to her on behalf of your friend on that day. If your friend already has all the graces of docility that she needs, then the benefit of your prayers to St. Monica will be applied in some other way.

[jen51]

But she has been docile and now she's miserable.  I don't think lack of respect for her husband is the issue here.

If she can't deal with the situation as it is, she need to change it.  Maybe work part time?  And ask her husband very specifically for what she wants, like a date night on Saturdays, or whatever she thinks she needs to get the relationship back in the saddle.  Men can be astonishingly clueless even in the face of very direct communication.  Voicing "concerns" and "feelings" doesn't  give them a game plan.

She should also do something specific to start making friends in the new city.

Date night is a good idea. I will certainly suggest that to her. They would have to do some schedule adjusting to make that work, though.

Jen, May 4 would be a good day to go to Mass and offer that sacrifice in honour of St. Monica, whose feast will be celebrated that day. Or you could pray to her on behalf of your friend on that day. If your friend already has all the graces of docility that she needs, then the benefit of your prayers to St. Monica will be applied in some other way.

Yes! Thankyou for that reminder! I will do that.

[Vox Clamantis]

IMO, she needs a different work shift and needs to define what it is about the move that is making her miserable (I lived this for a few years and GET it like no one can, believe me). After she figures out what it is that is making her depressed about moving, she should find ways of getting what she needs in the new place, if she can. For ex., if she's worried about missing her family, then ways to keep in touch with them would be crucial (Skype, unlimited long distance, visits, etc.). If she's worried about her social life in other ways, then thinking of joining groups to meet people could work (see http://www.meetup.com/ for ex.). And so on. It sounds, too, like she needs something to look FORWARD to after the move. Taking up a new hobby, joining some group, learning a new skill -- something to focus her attention on and keep her feeling "alive." Learning about the place she's moving to, what the people are like, what's available to her socially, what sorts of things the land lends itself to with regard to gardening or whatever -- all good ideas, I think. Just finding out some GOOD things about the place might help some, might get her to at least feel less oppressed by the whole idea of moving.

It also sounds to me like the husband is being a complete jerk. I think they need to talk to their pastor or some counselor REAL soon before she feels like she's nothing in his eyes and that her feelings don't matter. If this doesn't happen, she will resent him, even if she doesn't want to, even if she doesn't resent him intellectually. She needs to act on this before her life as she knew it and WANTS it is pretty much gone and her marriage is one of anger instead of love. Someone needs to talk to that dude and get him to not be so clueless about his wife's feelings. They seem to have some sort of communication problem -- something that isn't going to get fixed if they never see each other.  They need to fix that talking problem STAT and then focus on each other a LOT more if she's going to emotionally survive this. The date night stuff, good sex, doing things together and for each other --- all key.

My two cents...