I'm not sure why I'm even posting this. maybe it's a grace, I don't know. I don't know much right now. I don't know why I should go on persevering. Everything is going wrong, from bad to worse, and every time I try, I just seem to slide further back down. I think I was better spiritually--and in other ways--before I was baptized. My life has been a nightmare. The nightmare's so bad now I'm not sure I care anymore what happens next, in this life or the next. Everything feels hopeless. I would do anything if I could get back my certainty of a God who is Love. I would do anything, endure anything, if I had this faith, could believe in this truth.
Without having this, there's no reason to do it--endure patiently, hope, try, anything. If this isn't the truth, nothing matters to me, it all comes down to the same nothingness in the end, and there's no point in not enjoying/comforting oneself as much as possible until everything just fades away.
I want to know this nightmare has not been for nothing--or worst of all, for a monster. And I am plagued by constant, unrelenting thoughts that that's exactly what any real supreme being is: an inconceivably evil monster.
I know how you feel. Thing is the alternative is worse, so you might as well suck it up.
In my experience, 20% of one's mood is neurochemical, 70% is down to a lack of backbone and strength of a positive will and 10% is bad luck.
Whenever I met depressed people who think their life is a nightmare I can normally lay some of the blame at their door.