I did in fact finally go and have a discussion with my Priest. He was incredibley unhappy, cold, distant and detached. He told me the Sister in Question then would no longer be my sponsor and that I would simply not have one. He said he would "allow" me to continue in RCIA "for now" and see how it went. He removed me from the Eucharistic Adoration schedule.
I was clearly now blackballed, judged and found wanting, unworthy, not trusted, not accepted, not good enough, not holy enough. I had shared parts of me privately with my Sister sponsor after first eliciting her complete assurances that this was in complete confidence, only to hear this information parrotted back to me by my Priest, who then said, 'just remember, whatever you say, whoever you say it to, it will eventually come back to me, I hear everything'. How can I stay here in such an atmosphere? How can I learn of God here? I cannot.
So I am leaving to join myself to a smaller parish elsewhere in my city. Having met God now, I cannot walk alone, but walking with God only, for me, is not quite enough, I am weak enough to need human companionship too, but not that of those who have no faith in me, trust me, love me, have understanding and compassion. I will take the lessons I learned at my former church with me, be circumspect, be closed about yourself and build only superficial relationships, trust no one, not even your priest unless it is in the confessional, be happy with shallow relationships and take what you can get. And just concentrate on my relationship with God. I will be continuing my RCIA in my new parish, that was a must. They have everthing else I enjoyed at St. Andrews, Adoration, choir etc. And since I became close to no one or made any intimate friends, or was an integral part of anything else, I will not be missed, I won't even be a blip on the radar.
My RCIA just started 2 weeks ago. It's a huge class, about 40 + filled the room elbow to elbow. I've struggled with trying to get to know people in my church (a huge cathedral) since I started here just over 5 months ago. Everyone said, just wait till RCIA, and especially you'll have a wonderful relationship with your sponsor. But now every minute of the evening is accounted for, initial teaching session, a 10 min. coffee break, small groups with pre-selected questions. No time to get to know anyone. Let alone my sponsor and here lies the problem. I admit to being quite envious. A sin - I know that already. There are so many wonderful sponsors with their little gaggle of 2 or 3 "sponsee's" all around me. I see them sit together on Sunday's, go out to lunch after, talk about their emails during the week, places they go, books they've read, chatter and giggle and bond together......and I got a wonderful Godly but very elderly, in poor health blind nun who lives in a convent, I see her by sitting stiffly in their parlour for an hour, she went right from her family home to the convent as a young girl so has experienced nothing of the kind of life I've had - messy - there's no chit chat, just more teaching, building on whatever the topic of the last session was - no friendship, chatting, bonding, their own priest comes into their home for daily and Sunday mass so no sitting together in church......it's time I just am coming to NOT look forward to, while I struggle with envy and jealously at what goes on around me with so many others......you may ask "why am I in RCIA anyhow - to make friends or get to know God and how to be a Catholic?" Absolutely that first and formost. But I'm also human and I'm dying of lonliness - aloneness - painfully so, and had so hoped for a sponsor who would be a friend, who I could talk with about anything.....not just another teaching session. I just don't know what to do. I so wanted my RCIA experience to be glorious - and it's only 1/2 so......am I asking for too much, being selfish and self-centered and sinful here?